A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant
to the United States

He stops the first person he sees walking down the
street and says,
“Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country,
giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free
education!”

The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am
Mexican.”

The man goes on and encounters another passerby.
“Thank you for having such
a beautiful country here in America!”

The person says, “I not American, I Vietnamese.”

The new arrival walks further, and the next person
he sees he stops, shakes
his hand and says, “Thank you for the wonderful
America!”

That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from
Middle East, I am not American!”

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an
American?”

She says, “No, I am from Africa!”

Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the
Americans?”

The African lady checks her watch and
says…”Probably at work.”

Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, ‘You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?’
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, ‘Everything but my earrings.’

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. ‘Where’s Henry?’ the others asked. ‘Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,’ the successful hunter replied. ‘You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?’ they inquired. ‘A tough call,’ nodded the hunter. ‘But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!’

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, ‘Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head’. ‘Yep’, he replied. ‘That’s why I dumpin it here, cause it says ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’.

Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying… ‘When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .’ When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, ‘Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!’ Bubba replied, ‘Did you see who it was?’ The young man answered, ‘I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.’

Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, ‘Got any I.D.?’ The driver replied, ‘Bout whut?’

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was..
The man replied, ‘I have a flat tire.’
The passerby asked, ‘But what’s with the flowers?’
The man responded, ‘When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don’t make no sense to me neither.’

And this from South Carolina
‘You can say what you want about the South, but I ain’t never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North

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Jim Scott orders a 6 pack of bud

Jim Scott: Hello

Asian Clerk: Just a bud light huh

Jim Scott: You know, take this lip balm, this copy of eh Tounge and Cheeks, and these batteries for my watch

Asian Clerk: Tongue and What?

Jim Scott: Copy of Tongue and Cheeks

Asian Clerk: Oh…. Porno, Lip service, um Rear Ended, Nuts and Bolts, uh, where do we Keep Tongue and Cheeks?

Store Owner: What

Asian Clerk: Tongue and Cheeks, this guy wants porno

Jim Scott: It’s okay, just give me whatever

Store Owner: Check under the counter, that’s where we keep all the really weird shit

Old friend: Jim, Jim Scott?

Jim Scott: Hey, hey Heather

Old friend: Hi, I haven’t seen you since prom… I saw your mom the other

Asian Clerk: Here’s your tongue-in-cheeks

Jim Scott: It’s… it’s for a friend, I don’t read those.

Guy waiting in line: I do, I read the hell out of them, when I’m done it looks like it’s gone through a paper shredder

Asian Clerk: This month, you get a free copy of Pink slips with your tongue-in-cheeks, It’s a bit more obscure

Guy standing in line: That’s uh, that’s a bonus

Asian Clerk: And this pocket vibrator

Guy standing in line: Nice

Asian Clerk: or a 12 inch dildo free

Jim Scott: Just, just the magazine

Guy standing in line: Careful with that

Jim Scott: Just… just the magazine

Asian Clerk: It’s free

Jim Scott: Just put the magazines in the bag

Guy standing in line: You’re gonna need a safe word, and it shouldn’t be more

Jim Scott: In the, Just mags in the bag

Guy standing in line: Get the three pack, that way you save money, last two pages are recipes, a lot of people don’t even get that far

Asian Clerk: Have fun

Guy standing in line: Hey, If your not gonna take that free Cock, if you think I can have it, you can never have enough

Jim Scott: All yours bro

Robber: Nobody move, or the porno guy gets it

Jim Scott: It’s not mine, it’s for a friend

Robber: Yeah right

New Reporter: We’re live downtown, where local porno buyer Jim Scott has been taken hostage, along with this pornography

Guy standing in line: You made national TV

News Reporter: Reactions from Jim’s mother, after the break

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mates’s fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

10. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re
sunning on a tropical beach … And it’s delivered by a topless model and
only when it’s free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. End of story.

15. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

16. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both, that’s just greedy.

19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about
his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
Again, end of story.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
A) Yeah, baby, push it!
B) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
C) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing
(i.e . both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23 Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up
if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have
carnal, drunken monkey bang the wall sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty
is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion
occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours…unless you’re pissed.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
Tangerine or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?”
with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox or a new set of tires for your car.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics.
Ever.

29. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below:

“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with The guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, And having the guts to say, “are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

“BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say, “You’re next fatty!”

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

My son told me, Dad, I would like to have a tattoo.
I told him No, nobody has one in our family … and you are not having one.
He asked me, Why not ? All my friends have a tattoo

!

I told him, It would be a stain on your body !
He pleaded with me, Dad, please, please, just a Cartoon Character on the belly ?

And after many hours of discussion I gave in and decided to let him.
After all, he was a young man with his own freedom of choice …

and I thought …
a Cartoon Character …

is probably not so bad !

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had…. an elephant?

So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog. I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no

This is undoubtedly the most expressive picture I’ve ever seen of an animal
You can almost hear him say these words;
“Youwant me to do what?”
The look on this dog’s face is priceless…

You Can kiss

my ass,”I’m not smellin’ those!”

UPS Maintenance Program

Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
School diploma to fix one ; a reassurance to those of us who fly
Routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’

Which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
Correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
Pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
Some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ‘ pilots (marked
With a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance

Engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had a
Serious accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
Descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
Midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.